


i hate you, don't leave me

by jenoyong



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Best Friends, F/M, First Love, Fluff and Angst, Friendship/Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-16
Updated: 2019-10-18
Packaged: 2020-12-20 16:21:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21059597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jenoyong/pseuds/jenoyong
Summary: will love defy all odds?[check the end of the chapter for author notes]





	1. diary entry #1: i love you. forgive me.

since we were kids, it was always me and you. you always used to tell me we were born in the wrong side of the world, i think your exact words were: “how bitter can you be to make a law against romantic love?”. that's what our nation stood for. we were from a little independent island, not too far from the asian east, most of the maps didn't show us on them but we were known nonetheless, as the island where romantic love was forbidden and those who went against this policy would suffer the consequences. do not misunderstand, you could love your parents, you could love your brothers, and sisters, and friends... you were able to love as long as it wasn't romantically. you weren't able to have a significant other, every marriage on the island was determined by a fertility compatibility test in which you had to apply if you ever wanted to have kids. i never knew love, my parents appreciated each other and raised me the best way they could, and i know they loved me, but they used to tell me that if i ever felt love for a boy or a girl as more than friends, i had to stop seeing him or her and go straight to them so they could help me. they said horrible things would happen to me if i wasn't careful enough, i couldn't understand that then, but i guess i do now. your parents were friends with mine, that's how we met, on one of those endless evenings at the assembly hall. we were both homeschooled, our parents took this decision to keep us even more protected from this “romantic love” craziness, and they decided, at some point, to teach us together so we would become friends. it was pretty awkward at first but we grew close, eventually. for as long as i can remember, you've never been afraid of anything, even living in a place like this, you were brave and determined. i still remember when you stole a kiss from me when i was eight and you had just turned nine.  
you said you wanted a kiss as a present and of course, i refused. you chased me around the whole day, begging for that kiss but i wouldn't budge, so when i got distracted by god-knows-what, you pinned me against a tree and claimed your present. first i looked at you in disbelief, but you looked proud to say the least. “gotcha” you said, “thanks for the present”. then i looked around, looking for cameras, or guards, or anyone who could have seen us and would possibly snitch that two kids were breaking the law. maybe my eyes deceived me that day, because i was sure that there was absolutely no one around when it happened. but then the next day you went MIA on me for our play date. i waited for you on that bench in the park for almost an hour, then went to your house just to see if you were there and had just forgotten about coming to see me, but no one answered the door when i knocked. i actually didn't see you for a week after that, and when i finally saw you again, that sunday at the assembly hall, you didn't look like yourself. you seemed serious, and something about your aura told me that you were also frightened and sad. and was that a bruise on your left eye? yet when our eyes met, all signs of sadness left your face replaced by a warm smile, you waved discretly in my direction and i smiled a little bit. i had missed you. imagine how big my surprise was when you called out of my window that night, and crawled into my room when i opened it for you. you asked for my permission to stay the night and said your parents were mad at you, that you didn't want to be in your home right now. i'm not gonna lie, i knew my own parents wouldn't be okay with that so i hesitated, but i ended up letting you stay and share the bed with me, after making you promise that you'd be gone in the morning. “thank you so much! you're the best” you said and i laughed. you had brought your pajamas, so you started to change into them while getting prepared for bed, and that's when i noticed; you were covered in bruises.  
“what happened to you!?” i asked in a high pitched tone, approaching you to take a closer look “were this your parents?”  
you covered yourself with a blanket and put a finger against my lips making me shut up. “no silly, it wasn't them. these are the reason they're so mad at me, actually. apparently someone reported us for kissing” the air left my lungs while i refused to believe what i was hearing. i was sure no one was around! “anyway...” you went on, while putting the t-shirt on your body “i told the guards you were innocent, that i was the one who stole that kiss from you, which is true” you laughed. how could you laugh in a moment like this? “and i got them to leave you alone! isn't that nice”  
“IT'S NOT IF YOU ALMOST GOT KILLED, DUMBASS!” you motioned me to shut up again and i obliged.  
“killed? pfft- you need more than a few scratches to get rid of me” you joked but i could see you were in pain.  
“kevin you don't understand. it was a warning! you need to stop pulling out stuff like that if you don't want to...” the word “disappear” got stuck in my throat before i could say it.  
“don't be funny, little one. i'll be fine!” you ruffled my hair and hugged me tight. i was so mad at you, but also relieved to have you back. i fell asleep in your arms that night; the first night of hundreds to come. that's what our lives were like growing up, everything stayed platonic and we were just fine... until that one night, the night that we maybe spent a little too much time staring into each other's eyes, and giggling everytime we touched by accident because i knew you were doing it on purpose. you looked at me with such tenderness in your eyes, a tenderness i thought one could only feel while looking at a baby saying their first words or taking their first steps, or a puppy chasing its own tail. it never even crossed my mind that someday i would be here, standing in front of someone who was looking at me like i was the last of our kind, like there was nothing they cherished more than my presence in this world, in their life, yet somehow i knew that if it were to happen, it would be you. it sounds astounding even right now, looking at it with my own eyes, returning your gaze with an adoration that i hope resembles yours because you don't deserve any less than that, before my lips collide together with yours in some kind of dance of our own pace. surrounded by nothing but the overwhelming love we felt for each other, we made a silent promise, a promise to stay in each other's life for as long as possible, to be together even if the odds would never be in our favor; a promise to keep fighting for us. and as we slowly separated from the heated kiss we just shared, three short words left your mouth, leaving me breathless: “i love you.”  
oh, kevin... then i knew i loved you too. more than anything and anyone, more than life itself, but i couldn't say it. so i just smiled and kissed you again, hoping that would be enough of an answer for you, hoping that i could let you know through that kiss how much in love with you i was, hoping you wouldn't think i was just trying to make you shut up, because maybe i was, but not because i didn't reciprocate those feelings you had just confessed to me, but because to protect you, and us, i couldn't let you know just yet. not now, at least.  
“you're perfect” you said, now we were just laying on my bed, my eyes remained closed as i made a squeaking sound from repressing laughter. “oh shush, you charmer”  
“i mean it though...” you stole a peck from my slightly parted lips, and a part of me wished we could stay like this forever, in this... how do they call it? ah yes, the honeymoon phase. where happy ever after's seem like an actual possibility. but i was aware that they weren't. not on our island. “i also meant what i said earlier”  
my eyes opened, just to find yours already on me, searching for a sign, a gesture, anything that could maybe assure you that i loved you back. and damn i sure as hell did, and it felt like hell not being able to pull you out of the cloud of doubts that were slowly eating you up because of my deafening silence.  
i remember reaching out to hold your hand and squeeze it, “thank you” i whispered.  
“for what, exactly?” you asked, squeezing my hand back and drawing imaginary circles on my palm with your thumb.  
“i don't know...” i let out a short sigh, while you hid your face in the crook of my neck, leaving a trail of soft kisses from my shoulder to my jaw. “for thinking of me as someone who's worth loving, i guess” i don't know why i said that. why did i say that? “sorry, got too deep outta nowhere. forget what i said just now” and i bit my lip, hoping that you would actually let it go, but it wasn't in your nature was it?  
“we all deserve love.” you said and for a split second, i believed you. you sounded so certain, so sure of your own words, i think you could convince an atheist of god's existence, just by looking at them the way you were looking at me right now. “even the most wicked of us melts before the idea of love. that's just human nature. love moves us. motivates us.” i didn't say a thing, mostly because i didn't really know what to say, but also because i didn't want to stop hearing you talk. “loving someone makes us want to do things for that person. things that maybe we wouldn't be so eager on doing if it wasn't out of love. that's what love's about; sacrificing stuff, sometimes even yourself, to keep that love afloat.” your hands were now carressing my hair, my eyes shut closed once again. i knew you were right, i knew it. and for the 10th time that night i hoped i was doing the right thing. “that's how i know i love you, y/n.” you chuckled and my heart skipped a beat, “there's nothing i wouldn't do for you, as cliché as it may sound, it's true” my eyes stayed closed even though i was wide awake, my heart aching from the words you had said. i wanted nothing more than to tell you that i also felt like that, that i would take a bullet for you with no regrets, that i would repeat every single action that led us here if it meant i would find you and be able to love you again.  
your lips found their way to my forehead leaving a chaste kiss on top of it. “rest well, my love”. you stood up, making your way to the door to head to your own house, i asummed.  
“wait!” i said, suddenly and to my own shock.  
“what is it?” you ask, your hand resting on the door handle, but your eyes looking in my direction, filled with curiosity.  
stay. that's what i wanted to say. please stay, don't leave yet. but the words were stuck in my throat, as a warning maybe, that they were always listening, that we were privileged that they were keeping a blind eye on our relationship now thanks to our parents, and that we shouldn't risk it. how could you be so reckless, telling me that you loved me? so freely, like you don't have a care in the world?  
“good night” so that's what i end up saying. you smiled at me but you seemed defeated, like you were expecting me to ask you to stay as well, and i felt sorry for putting you through this. you slightly nodded and headed out, leaving me alone with my thoughts. “i'm sorry, kevin...” i thought to myself. maybe there were some things i wasn't willing to risk for you, like your wellbeing, for example. loving me would be your death sentence, why couldn't you see that? but i also felt sorry for myself, because i couldn't help but love you too. i'd be crazy not to.  
and because i love you, i have to let you go. i've never loved anyone like i love you and that's why i gotta leave you. “i'm so sorry” was the last thing on my mind before i drifted off to a peaceful slumber, wishing for a miracle, one that would keep you safe, since i couldn't do it myself. i will forever be sorry. i love you. forgive me.


	2. diary entry #2: 45 days

i remember us talking about running away together, more often than we should have. well, it was mostly you doing the talking part, i would just listen to your endless rambling about how we could live in a nice cottage in the woods, away from everything and everyone, or maybe in a beach house but not too close to the sea in case there was a tsunami. i think one of the best memories i have from those days is about that time you went absolutely insane and started searching for cheap plane tickets so we could start saving money to afford them.  
“i don't care if we end up living in a tree house with chimpanzees as roomates in the deep of the amazonian forest, you know? we need to get out of this damned island.” you said, jumping up from the bed and stomping your feet on the ground like an angry child.  
“and i couldn't agree more, kev, believe me. but our families are here, our friends, our entire lives!” i made you sit on the bed again and you sighed.  
“yeah... you're right.”  
“i am, as per usual.” i smiled proudly as you laid down, then immediatly sat back up.  
“we're not that old though? we could always get new identities! i'd take care of the paperwork and–”  
“kevin...” now i was the one sighing, “you know we can't.”  
“i know, yeah...” you looked at me and i shivered under your gaze. “but that doesn't mean i'll settle down! and you shouldn't either.”

that was the thing with you; you never learned to settle down. and that would often lead to you getting into trouble and me being the one to rescue you, then bringing you home with a limping leg and disheveled hair while you whined all the way back saying things like “i was handling it!”. sure you were.  
when we were fifteen, you asked me if i'd marry you. i said no.  
“WHAT!?” your eyes opened like you had just seen a ghost, “what do you mean no?”  
“no means no, kev” i chuckled, “you should know better than that.”  
“but why? am i that bad?” you looked so genuinely devastated i felt my heart shatter like glass.  
“it's not that at all, k, it's just...” i like you, i really do... “you know what? we shouldn't even be talking about this” i stood up from the floor and started pacing around, feeling how your eyes followed my every move. i couldn't understand the nature of what had just happened. why did you look so sad when i answered “no” to your rethorical question? unless it wasn't rethorical? was that even possible? you looked down from me to the ground and mumbled something i didn't catch. i sighed.  
“but...” i said, and your attention was back on me, “if i had to marry someone, it would be you. no doubts”  
i don't think i've ever seen you smile brighter than that day after i said those words. butterflies danced in the pit of my stomach and i couldn't understand why. what was this unusual feeling in my gut? what was i supposed to do about it?  
you walked me home after that, and kissed my cheek before leaving, which didn't really help my case or the butterflies on a fucking salsa class inside of me. now i realise that i completely understood what was happening then, but i didn't want to acknowledge it, because accepting that i had developed romantic feelings for you was the first step to losing you. 

it's so hard to get out of this place, like so, SO hard. in the best of cases, you were offered a scholarship overseas, or you secured yourself a job in another country, or maybe you needed to go away on a business trip. those were the exceptional cases where leaving the island was an option. otherwise, unless you had a strange condition that could only be treated somewhere else in the world and you had a life span of three months, you most likely won't succeed.  
many people tried to fake their way out, but were caught in the process and immediatly arrested, having to serve jail time from six months to three years, depending on every situation. we being homeschooled couldn't possibly get anything similar to a scholarship since we weren't attending a regular school, not that i was complaining though, but it kind of was the easiest way of them all and it was unreachable to us.  
sometimes you would joke about hiding inside the luggage of some rich ceo going away on business, then start anew wherever it may take us. at least i think you were joking, with you i can never be sure. sadly, being born here is kind of a curse; you're probably never going to leave this shithole, and if you are lucky enough to make it, the things you've lived here will haunt you for the rest of your life.  
to be honest, i always thought that if one of us were to leave, it would be you. it was clear this was not your place, even the world is too small to contain you, kevin moon.  
i've loved your voice since i came to you crying after some random kid broke my favorite toy and you sang that lullaby to me and wiped away my tears with the sleeves of your sweater so i could calm down. i was seven, you were eight, and i remember thinking your voice was honey-like.  
i always wanted to hear you sing after that day, it became precious to me how safe your voice could make me feel, how protected i felt while your arms were around me and you were mumbling some melody against my hair, when your sweet scent invaded my nostrils, when my head laid against your chest and i could feel the uneven beat of your heart, maybe because of the closeness, maybe because it was normal. those were the moments where i realised i didn't want us to be apart, ever. i knew my place in the world was wherever you were, i knew i would be okay under any circumstance if i was beside you, if i could hold your hand and get your hugs and forehead kisses forever. that's how i know i love you, kevin. but you couldn't know.  
as i said, i always thought that if one of us left it would be you. that's why i shed a few tears when my mother barged into my room to tell me an acceptance letter from a uni application came into the mail today, i still don't know if they were happy or sad ones. my mother hugged me tight, then gave me the letter so i could read it and left.  
it said that my application was impressive, and that they wanted to give me a chance since i was homeschooled and didn't have these kind of opportunities as easy as someone who attended a regular school did. they were offering me a temporal home until i could afford my own place, with one or more roomates or none at all. it was like a dream, when i applied it never even crossed my mind that i would be chosen since i had little to no experience and on top of that, i didn't even attend school. it seemed like they were open to challenges and i felt pretty honored to be the one they decided to take the risk with. worst case scenario: they expel me, but honestly? i'll already be out of here, and that's enough for me.  
if i accept, i'd have to leave for paris in a month and a half. 45 days left in here.  
45 days left with you. and i swore to myself i'd make the most of it. i'll try to tell you how i feel about you before i go, i promise, but if for some reason or my own cowardice i don't, i'll make sure you find this journal. how i wish i could take you with me, we would start anew just like you wanted, we'd be free to be together if we wanted to, i know i do. i gulp so i can stop myself from crying, i don't want to cry anymore.  
i'll send the e-mail confirmation they asked for in the letter and then it's settled. i'm going to paris.

16:00pm  
i hear you knock on the front door, then you greeting my mom and heading straight to my room. you let yourself in whispering a soft “hey.”  
“hey you” i say, watching you make yourself at home.  
“what are you writing?” you ask, now laying on my bed.  
“nothing important” i close my journal and slide it into one of the drawers, then take place next to you on the bed. “wanna binge on some lame netflix show while eating popcorn?”  
“girl, you know me better than i know myself” you say, making me chuckle. while i'm getting up to go to the kitchen, you grab me by the hand, making me trip and fall on top of you. our eyes meet and i feel the heat on my cheeks increase. your hands roam from my arms, to my shoulders, to the side of my neck; you stop in there, none of us moves an inch.  
after a few seconds, your lips are on mine, claiming my mouth with eagerness, and i melt into your touch. your hands are now in the small of my back, while mine are resting against your chest.  
“hm...” you say, breaking the kiss to catch some air, “i could get used to this”  
“aaand that's my cue to leave!” i say getting up once again, but you catch me by the hips. “don't try anything funny i just want popcorn” i'm hoping that you don't notice the nervousness in my voice.  
“you think i'm being funny?” you smirk.  
“i think you're restraining me from eating popcorn so please let me go” finally you release me, but that smirk on your face is still there.  
“alright honey, don't keep me waiting!”  
“what did you just call me?” you act like you don't know what i'm talking about.  
“what do you mean? i said i want honey on mine, don't keep me waiting! shoo!”

45 days left with you. i'll make it count. i promise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is kinda lame i'm sorry

**Author's Note:**

> hello, i don't usually publish what i write but this came out pretty great so i thought why not? i hope to make this enjoyable for everyone. stay tuned for the next chapter!!


End file.
